Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Almost There


I am soooooo exciting that I'm in my new place. I've settled in every so slightly, not enough that there isn't still tons to do, but enough to feel calm and centred. That being said, I have a few more steps before I'm actually settled.

I'm posting just days before from receiving stuff that I put into storage over 2 years ago. 2 years! So much has happened in that time, albeit not a lot of blogging. I think I've felt like I was waiting for things to finally come together, and for the most part they have. I have worked really hard through a lot of challenges, and now it's time to settle into the new new.

But the thing about the new new is, I don't know what that is.



So much of my life I have been in reactionary mode. I'm great when things are falling apart, because I have lots of experience with that. I'll do whatever it takes to figure it out. I'll push through the pain. I'll get super stubborn. I'll resist things and won't give up on others. I can endure a lot. I'll stay up late sorting, packing, cleaning, researching, whatever-ing.

But what happens when things are ... good? When it's a wide open expanse of choices. Theoretically, that feels like the ultimate best place, always. But in reality, it feels overwhelming and puts me in freeze mode when it comes to decision making. And I'm good at making decisions. So that gets me all antsy because I now see something I'm good at being something I am fumbling at. Last week at the hardware store I was with my sister Jamie and when I went to the cash, I couldn't figure out the math. I can ALWAYS figure out the math. Whether it's the tip on a bill or a giving a quarter to get back a five instead of a pocket full of change, that's who I am!

All of this lets me know that things are changing, and in fact they are already well into the change. So I have to change too. Gah! Change! And, BTW, not the math bit, I recovered from that and I'll still be her, she'll always be a part of me. But with many other things, I feel like I can seek the comfort and reliability of the known or branch out and try some stuff that's new be it approach or a habit or way of thinking or engaging.



For example, in my new place I've quickly adopted the habits of the food I am used to. Eggs for breakfast, farmers plates for lunch, and some tired and true recipes for dinners. That's great for now because I know how to do all that and ya gotta eat, but I know it would be better to eat healthier. I also have lots of things I want to try out for fun like how to find a way to cook fish in a way that works for me, or how to carve a chicken. Those feel like projects I can do when I'm a little more settled. But for now, the known is good because I can do it.

With this whole new new thing, I have a feeling that stretching my less comfortable muscles to different thinking will have to happen with the arrival of my stuff. That being said, I do not know what approach to take. This move marks my 17th move, so I have a lot of history and practice and even muscle memory of packing and unpacking. This pot goes in this spot. That always goes in the south window. I have my habits. But, I've taken different approaches over the years. I've taken forever to unpack, I've done it quickly. I do tend to do kitchen first, and I think I'll still do the kitchen first (all 11 boxes!), because that is all stuff I can use right away. But after that, I'm not sure what to do. How to you approach something you've not seen, and likely not thought about, for 2 years? What will it be like to see it again? Will I be happy, sad, overwhelmed, all three? Will I know what I want to keep and what I want to give away? Will I want any of it at all?



One of the reasons I wanted to post today was so I can see how I was feeling before it arrives. The odd thing about that is in this moment before it's happened, all I can think about is what will it be like? What an odd position. Anchoring the current while looking at the future, and leaving that anchor there so my future self can see the past. Bizarre!

One thing I know, is that I want to enjoy my new space. I don't want it packed to the rafters like I've done so many times in the past. I don't have to hold on to everything, but I also don't have to let go of everything. As someone who usually picks one extreme or the other of any given situation, it will be interesting to see how I find the middle ground here. Or perhaps, the sweet spot of what's exactly right. Maybe that Goldilocks had it right all along.